Coping

I lost my mother 1 month ago tomorrow.  Without a sign, a warning, a say, a word.  She just left.  Although I knew where she'd gone to and who she's with right now...and eventhough I don't blame Him for taking her away from me, from my father, and from my other siblings,...I'd be lying a million times if I say that I am not angry.

There is anger.  Angry for not being able to be there for her.  Angry for not caring enough for her.  Angry for not given a chance to say my goodbye.  Angry that she had to leave too soon.

Since the day she was laid to rest, I went through my days with a 'mask'.  Smiling, standing and walking straight with my chin up...with a strength that was almost nil.  And a heart that was drowning in sorrow.  How do you tell people that you are okay when you are in such a wreck?  How do you face people when the only thing you want to do is to just shut the whole world off of you?  How can you even try to forget when everything around you reminds you of her?  How do you deal with it when you go into the kitchen and you can see her there cooking, or when you go out to the porch and you can see her watering the plants, or when you sit down in the kitchen you can still feel her presence sitting together having coffee with you while sharing stories and laughter, or seeing her spending time with the little man giggling and playing.

Yesterday at the church they were celebrating Mother's Day.  I wanted to drop down and cry, and cry, and cry, when they talked about mothers and how special they are.  My Mom for one, has given immense sacrifices, love, and care to us all during her living days.  She was not only a mother to me.  She was my guide, my protector on earth, my sister, my friend.  She was the most simple, and down to earth person that I've ever known.  She once said "Life is simple. The only thing that complicates it is we ourselves."  I vow to bring that motto in my life forever.  And she always found ways to laugh...because she said the more you can find simplicity in your life, the more you can smile and laugh.  She always have that capability to find that simplicity in her life.  I know that was how she gets her peace out of all the challenges that she had gone through. 

Through all the coping, and struggling of losing her,...at one point, I thought I was going to lose it.  Until a friend, a God sent, shared with me and taught me something that I have never even thought of before ever.  Let's just say that she showed me the real meaning of loving my Heavenly Father.  Of all these years of loving Him, I only put Him there...on that Highest Pedestal.  Because I thought that is where He belongs, that's where He should always be.  That we should always look up there and lift our prayers to Him.

This truth that I just know is...He doesn't always want to be there.  Because He wants to be with me.  One of His beloved children.  As always, He wants to be with me here...in my heart, my mind, and my soul.  I have to always remind myself that now...through whatever life brings me ahead.

I am still mourning for my Mom but I can deal with it a lot better now.  I definitely wouldn't be able to write this blog today if it weren't for that friend's sharing.  I would still shut the door tightly.  In a movie, I would be that little girl peeking out from the attic window, and then seconds later I'd be gone in the darkness of that room.  Now, you can still see that little girl looking out from that attic window.  But she stayed a little longer, and she can wave at you now and throw a peaceful little smile at you.

Soon...she'll be able to come out the front door...and play with you again.

I love you always Mommy and Happy Mother's Day.